The Taste of Disparity
by Sayuri-Jen
Summary: What does it mean to forget ones most precious memories and feelings? Now, there is nothing but a broken story we can’t change. Ichigo you idiot. It’s easy for you, but I still remember. Tell me, did we love? Ichigo/Rukia


- The Taste of Disparity -

_What the heart has once owned and had, it shall never lose_

~ Henry Ward Beecher

**Part I**

For Rukia, life after death is still something worthwhile.

After entering the Shinigami Academy and becoming a Kuchiki, Rukia was sure that after living life once, she would be wise enough to not make any mistakes in the Gotei 13. She knew she was mature enough to know the circumstances and outcomes of situations humans couldn't begin to comprehend.

But there are many things she has come to realize; that even after death, she can leave behind traces of her existence. It is something that can be done unintentionally - a touch, spoken words, a scent.

That there are things in life that cannot be explained, no matter how long you've lived.

That among the thousands of humans she's seen in Japan, there exists a young man who can see her back.

She's learned that the truth can be a sharp, lingering pain, and that love can sometimes be a fist around your throat.

That when she and Ichigo are together, she is allowed to enjoy herself and be alive again. But when they are alone, they are residing in opposite words. Rukia has learned a lot, but this painful truth is the most evident one.

…

When he picks up the phone, it's a surprise to hear Rukia's voice, loudly greeting him.

"Rukia," he states, surprised. "You sure you called the right number?"

"_I'm fine, thanks for asking_."

Ichigo sits up on the couch and runs a hand through his ruffled hair. "It's just that it's unusual for you to call from Soul Society."

"_It's unusual for you to be home at noon_," she says with a tone_. _"_I was expecting a nice chat with Yuzu. Just because the war is over doesn't mean you can slack off, you know_."

"I'm not," he snaps. "There just hasn't been that many hollows around Karakura lately. So? What are you calling for?"

"_To give you a message from Unohana-Taichou_."

He presses the phone closer to his ear, wondering if he heard right. "Unohana-Taichou?" Ichigo wonders what business the 4th division captain could want with him.

"_Yeah_," Rukia continues. "_she wants you to come see her next week for extra physical exams_."

Physical exams - the ones that everyone involved in the Winter War had to go through. It has been a month since he had his last check-up and Ichigo wonders if something is wrong. As if Rukia is able to sense his suspicions, she quickly reassures him.

"_She just wants to make sure that there isn't anything really wrong with you after you forced yourself to keep on the hollow mask for so long during the war. Unohana-Taichou knows you're a Vizard and that your body can react strangely at times_."

"You saying I'm -"

"_Special? Yeah_."

"…Shut up."

He knows there's a smirk on the Shinigami's face. The muscles that are forming a frown on his face relaxes when he realizes that he hasn't seen her for a couple of months. Every time he thought he did, it was only a fantasized image. Ichigo is sure that unlike himself, she's been busy with her Shinigami duties in Soul Society.

"Do you know when you're coming back to Karakura?" Ichigo asks, something that he'd been planning on doing for the past few weeks. He quickly adds: "Yuzu wants to cook dinner for you again and my old man wants to personally see and confirm that you're well."

He can imagine the wide smile spreading across her face. "_It's still quite busy around here and I haven't had the chance to go back to the Real World at all yet. I don't know how long it'll be before I can drop by_." There is a short pause. "_But I'll let you know as soon as I get permission_."

Something about her words tightens Ichigo's chest. He allows himself to send a small smile of his own through the receiver, hoping that it'll reach her.

"Alright. I'll see you, then."

"_Bye. Take care_."

…

Her brother, her Kuchiki name, honor, duty.

These were the things that were most important to Rukia before.

Before she experienced that special bond with someone.

Before the day she broke the rules.

Before Kurosaki Ichigo.

She died once and is living a second life as a soul, trying to clean up the world. Rukia understands the circumstances of letting her emotions run astray. She experienced the circumstances before when she'd been nearly executed. Being level-headed has been something that she'd always been best at. But with warm smiles, a shake of her head and a laughing sigh, Rukia realizes that she's willing to give it all up for what she has now.

It's not that she fell in love at first sight. She didn't even realize it until long after it happened. The first time she knew was when she saw how Ichigo pushed himself to protect others, when she learned how there was more to him than a body and a mind. He had something special, a spirit that hinted that he would one day be stronger and greater. A promise, a potential.

Before, it was Soul Society or the human world. Now, Rukia considers them both her home.

As for the circumstances to those feelings, well, she'll face them head-on, because she knows that she won't be alone.

Five Days Later

Ichigo is lying on his bed, remembering a scene from a drama that Yuzu was watching after dinner. He recalls how the main character and his girlfriend had embraced each other after a year of separation, passion bringing them together like a seam. It's strange how months before, Ichigo would have regarded such a scene as nothing more than an overly dramatic moment in a fictional world. Now, he thinks he can understand a part of it.

His room is silent. Kon is out for the afternoon in a _gigai _that Urahara had made for him and without anyone else sharing his room in the longest time, it almost feels too empty. Ichigo lets the sunlight warm his face, lost in all his thoughts that he doesn't hear the window slide open.

"You're really starting to become a lazy teen, aren't you?"

It takes a moment for him to register her voice and identify it. It happens within seconds and a surprised look appears on his face. "Rukia!"

"Yo, Ichigo."

It's her. The same as she was the last time he'd seen her - the Shinigami uniform, slight bend in her hair, her large, vibrant eyes. Ichigo sits up on his bed and grins. He's honestly surprised. From what Renji had told him, Rukia wasn't supposed to come back for another few weeks. He know it's not a dream as Rukia closes the window behind her and comfortably lands beside him.

"So you came back."

_"_I said I would."

He looks at her and back at the open window. "You sure like making your entrances through high places, huh?"

As she punches his arm, he wonders if he's the only one still slightly flustered by their first meeting in two months.

"Did Soul Society finally decide to give you a break?"

"I can only stay for today. Ukitake-Taichou convinced me that I needed some time off. I wanted to have dinner here and take a nap in my ol' closet."

He scoffs at her. "_Your _closet?"

"Yes, mine." She replies with her arms crossed, "Admit it, me sleeping there makes much better use of it than it being storage space for your mattresses."

For some reason, Ichigo doesn't feel as annoyed as her words would have any other day. He looks at the closet and grins. Somehow, he feels the most comfortable he's been after the war. Rukia narrows her eyes at him and folds her legs beneath her.

"What? You seem a little off today."

Ichigo scowls and rises to his feet, making his way to the door. He ignores her question.

"You see Inoue and the others yet? They've been asking about you often."

"Ah, I gave Inoue a quick greeting before I came here. I'll visit Ishida and Chad next time."

He looks back at her, wondering if she's ever been the one to push things aside. _Oh well_. The front door opens by the time he makes his way downstairs and Kon is back home. Ichigo spends the next few minutes informing his family about Rukia's visit and watches as the soul mod race upstairs. He makes it back to his room just in time to see Kon being thrown out the window and Rukia dusting herself.

"Some things just never change, do they?" Ichigo mutters with a shake of his head.

Rukia gives him a long look as he sits back down on his bed. Normally he would have taken a seat next to his desk, but today he feels different. When their eyes meet, he notices how large hers are.

"What?" He asks to break the silence.

"Nothing. It just sounds weird for you to say something like that."

He feels defensive when he hears that. "What, I can't be a bit sentimental?"

"It just doesn't suit you," Rukia says matter-of-factly.

"Whatever."

And just like that, her comment makes him wonder. Why is he feeling so light and moody? Rukia's comments aren't as irritating as they used to be, nor as offensive. Ichigo watches as the Shinigami stretches her arms over her head, refreshing her memory of the details of his room. This is the first time he's felt uncomfortable that she's sitting on his bed. There aren't many thoughts running through his head as he watches her, just a blank look on his face and the sound of his own heartbeat throbbing in his ears. So what he does next, he'll later excuse as a thoughtless and impulsive act.

"Oi. Rukia."

Rukia's eyes widen when his hand is near her neck, lightly fingering her black hair. Ichigo looks at her with eyes (not just an auburn color, but ones that reminds her of the jewel-tones of maples and oaks) filled with an emotion that she can't quite put a name to. She can feel his warmth, his closeness. As he speaks, she breaths him in.

"You look nice today."

Just like that, a normal compliment anyone could have told her leaves her speechless. As soon as he'd leaned towards her, Ichigo distances himself and looks away. Before she can say anything, he lies back on his bed and stares at the ceiling to hide his spreading blush.

"It does sound weird when I say stuff like that, huh?" He asks into the silence.

Ichigo doesn't know what to do when she doesn't reply. He'd been expecting her to slap his hand away, or kick him hard - to brush it off. But she's taken it in with a reaction that surprises him as much as his own actions do.

Several minutes pass in silence. Rukia picks up a discarded magazine from the floor and Ichigo continues to gaze up at the ceiling, his breath coming out in uncomfortable huffs. No words are spoken between them until they hear Yuzu calling them down for dinner, nor are any until Rukia leaves later that night.

But he opens the door for her, she passes him the plates as they set the table, their hands brush against each other, and the evening passes by better than it usually would have gone. After dinner, without a word to him, Rukia crawls into the closet and promptly shuts herself away.

Ichigo pretends to be asleep when the door slides open late into the night. Her footsteps hardly make a sound as she heads towards the window, pausing a moment at the edge of the bed. A hand grazes the side of his face and he pretends to shift in his sleep. A finger pokes his cheek, and the warmth of her hand is drawn away.

"Idiot," he hears her breathe.

The window clicks shut and only then does he allow himself to open his eyes, feeling like he just finished battling a particularly difficult hollow.

Two Days Later

Ichigo's _shunpo _takes him to the front of the 4th division's medical ward. He's already been here countless times taking tests and getting physical checks just like everyone else who'd been involved in the war. But now, months later, it seems that he's the only one still taking them. As Ichigo walks down the halls, he hopes that this will be the last time.

Unohana meets him with a smile. He's come to like the 4th division captain who reminds him of his mother at times. It is a typical examination that takes about half an hour. But this time when he thinks it's over, Unohana asks him to sit back down and asks several questions. At first, they are ones that seem typical for her to ask. But it's when she asks about his inner hollow and the effects his body his having with his transformations, he knows something is off. It is the last question that bothers him the most.

"Have you had any strains lately when forming your mask?"

"Strains?"

"Any pain or difficulties," Unohana explains. "Perhaps when you are fighting or when your soul returns to your human body."

Ichigo is silent with thought, a hand slowly reaching up to his chest. "Well, it's not something that really worried me, but when I leave my body, there are certain sensations I get, like a shock or something. It doesn't hurt, just jolts through me."

"…I see," she said softly. "Well, that will be all for today. Thank you for coming."

Unohana finishes writing down her notes in her chart and gives him a small nod, giving him permission to leave. Ichigo tries to read the emotions of the captain as she gets up and hunches over what looks like a computer, but it's difficult because there are none on her face.

"Unohana-san?"

The captain gives him what looks like a strained smile. "I'll be sending the tests to Mayuri-Taichou for extra analysis. I'll have to ask you to come by again within 2 weeks."

_Again? Is something wrong? _He wants to ask, but Ichigo nods and gets to his feet. "Alright Unohana-san. Thanks for your time."

Before he can leave the room, Unohana turns to him and says, "Try to remain in your human body whenever possible until your next visit, Kurosaki-san."

Ichigo merely nods and leaves the room, feeling strange.

…

"Yo."

"Oh, hey Renji."

With a sly look, Renji slaps the substitute Shinigami on the back. "You expecting someone else there?"

"What are you talking about?"

"You look disappointed that I'm the one here to pick you up."

Ichigo presses his lips together and shoots him an irritated look.

Renji rolls his eyes, but drops the point. They start walking towards the Soukyoku Hill, where the portal to the human world is being opened for Ichigo's return home.

"So, she say what was wrong?"

"Huh?"

"Unohana-Taichou. I heard she called you back in for another physical. She tell you why you needed it?"

Ichigo stops his strides and gives the Shinigami a look. "Would it be a bad thing to say she didn't?"

"No. It's just that she's never called a person back before." Renji looks back and quickly adds on, "But then again, it's probably no big deal. You've always been a special case."

"All of you just love praising me, don't you?" Ichigo mutters.

"What now?"

"Nothing."

Renji motions the substitute Shinigami over and gives a small grin. "Don't worry about it. Come on, the gates aren't going to stay open forever for ya."

…

Two weeks after his last examination and four weeks after her last visit, Rukia is stationed back in Karakura city and sleeping over at Ichigo's place, just like old times. Ichigo likes how things have gotten back to normal. He likes to live a day knowing what's coming. The past few months have been too chaotic, troublesome. As he walks to school, punches Keigo to the ground, walks home with Rukia, finishes his homework before dinner and battles a few hollows in-between, he knows that all is well.

"So, where are you taking me later?" Rukia is reading manga on his bed, nibbling on a cracker when she asks him the question.

"After we do the countdown with the others, we'll go to the hill at the edge of town."

Rukia lowers her manga and looks at the teen. "You mean the one with the huge tree?"

"Yeah that one."

"What for?"

Ichigo grins at her and raises a magazine he'd been flipping through at his desk. "Fireworks."

She looks at the pictures that are bursting with color and smiles, excitement evident in her eyes.

Dinner lasts forever and it seems as though the new year will never come. But Rukia and his family shouts the countdown together, and it is a wonderful celebration. A minute after, Ichigo carries Rukia on his back and uses shunpo to get to the hill in time for the start of the show.

They watch for a while, no words needed during the splendid display across the sky. Ichigo turns to her and whispers, "So, Happy New Year."

"Yeah, Happy New Year."

"Another crazy year has gone by."

She hugs her knees to her chest and smiles. "I guess so."

He can see the reflection of the fireworks in her large eyes. When he turns away rubbing the back of his neck, he notices that she smells like peaches. He clears his throat as a number of jumbled thoughts race through his head. _For god's sake, this is Rukia, _he thinks. _The same girl who's a Shinigami, the one who hits me whenever she thinks I'm wrong and who doesn't have an attractive bone in her body. _But as he watches her without her notice, Ichigo realizes that the last statement is dead wrong.

After the day Rukia came over for dinner, there were several times where they'd paired up for the usual job of terminating a hollow. Rukia behaved no differently than any other time they were alone together and, though it threw him off at the moment, Ichigo was grateful for it. It was as if the incident from their last encounter never happened. But both of them are aware of the permanent dent that was made in their relationship, whether either of them are willing to acknowledge it or not.

She suddenly turns towards him, pinning him with one look. It startles Ichigo to see how close they actually were. Their noses hit hard, but when Rukia laughs at the mistake, it doesn't matter as much. Without really thinking, he closes the distance between them and catches her lips. They are the softest thing he's ever felt and he lightly pulls on her jaw to open her mouth. He stops seconds after when he realizes that she's not kissing back. He pulls away and a hand covers his mouth, afraid to look at the expression she's wearing.

_Damn, what the hell was that? _

He thinks of excuses in his mind (the heat of the moment, a mistake) but they don't seem good enough for such a significant act. He knows it'll change everything between them, a sudden shift in their relationship.

After a moment of silence and uncertainty, there is a gentle touch on his shoulder, contact as branding as any kiss. Rukia lowers her head against him and doesn't say anything. Ichigo was ready for any reaction she would give, but this still catches him by surprise. For the rest of the night, the display of fireworks is nothing but a blur of fiery colors in the starry sky celebrating the intimate sight of the two.

It is their first and last kiss.

…

Unohana Retsu has always been a motherly figure to the members of the 4th division. She is strict, honest and fair. But she cannot say that she is always kind. There is nothing kind about this part of the job, where you watch as the person across from you widen their eyes in silent horror, as they grasp for words and you have to confirm that it is not a lie, but the painful truth.

This day is different from the other times he's come in. The whole office has an ominous air and Unohana still has to act as though everything will be alright, when she knows it won't be.

"Please sit down."

Ichigo does so while giving her a wary glance. He's quick to pick up the fact that something is wrong.

"Kurosaki-kun, I regret that I have unfortunate news."

As expected, he freezes in his seat, already bracing himself for the worst. The papers she is holding in her hands suddenly loose all their substance. What he will need is a person to directly confront him, and none of the reports she was planning to read. Unohana meets his gaze. She knows she cannot waver now.

"It is about the truth of your condition."

He tenses. "Please tell me everything."

She takes in a breath. "Kurosaki-san, you are a human with powers no mortal should have. You are neither a Shinigami or Hollow, but have both parts of them within you." Unohana knows she has to be direct. She's never been one to use many words, though she knows most people prefer nicely packaged lies instead of the truth.

"And what of it?" Ichigo asks tightly.

"That sort of combination has never existed before. You have done extremely well fighting your inner hollow and nearly perfecting your mask. If you were a full Shinigami, remaining a Vaizard wouldn't have been a problem. However, you're original form is in your human body - your most vulnerable state. I hesitate to call it your weakness, Kurosaki-kun, but sooner or later, you will without a doubt succumb to your inner hollow's negative reiatsu."

There is a long silence that fills the room. Ichigo lets his head fall into his hands, processing everything he's heard. He doesn't say a word. He stares at the papers in Unohana's hands and swallows hard.

"…What?" he finally whispers, disbelief taking over his entire body, numbing him.

"The longer you live the life you are now, the higher the chances of you developing into a full hollow." She hates how professional she sounds. She is stating everything without emotion in her voice or face. The way he is looking at her, the way he is reacting is enough to make her turn away. Going against herself, she continues. "You have two choices facing you. If you die in your current state - part human, Hollow and Shinigami - or in battle, your soul will not be able to enter Soul Society. It will be the same as a Shinigami or Hollow dying - it will be the end. However, if you choose to live a full human life now and refrain from ever using your powers, you will live your expected life span and enter Soul Society after death. You will loose all your memories upon entering Seireitei."

She pauses to soften her gaze on him. "Kurosaki-san, if you decide to remain the way you are now, there is a high chance that the Gotei 13 will have orders to take you out in the future," she adds softly.

She watches him, expecting him to demand answers or act frantically, but there is nothing but chilling silence. He tries to ask a question, but it lodges like a pit in his stomach. And then, he does something she wasn't expecting. He laughs. Softly, to himself.

"What… what the hell is this? I've - if I can properly suppress my inner hollow -"

"The thing is, it won't make a difference in the long run," Unohana says firmly. "I know this is -"

He suddenly stands up, interrupting her. There is an unreadable expression on his face. "Does anyone else know about this?"

"No," she finally says. "No one else besides Mayuri-Taichou and myself."

Ichigo looks her in the eye with more than a plea, and she knows what he is going to ask before he says it. He speaks with a tone as strong as he can muster.

"Then...I'd like to keep it that way. For now." Without another word, Ichigo hurries out of the room, and she lets him.

…

Just outside the 4th division, Ichigo closes his eyes and takes deep breathes of air. This isn't what he'd been expecting. The news keeps spinning through his head, making him feel as though he's been running for miles. It leaves him lightheaded and shaky.

There is a phenomenal rage running through him, like poison working its way through his system. He doesn't know why or exactly where it's coming from, but it's aimed at the hollow within him, at Unohana, at himself. He throws a hard punch at a nearby wall, startling several Shinigami nearby. He ignores their whispers and glances as he breathes heavily.

_This wasn't supposed to happen_.


End file.
